Man and his symbols.

Last night I ate dinner alone in a diner, with a glass of red wine and a newspaper. The newspaper was brought to me by one of the busboys, a young spanish dude with an intelligent expression who said to me in concern, "you are thinking too much." Then he gave me the Post.

I left the diner and walked around the vicinity of 86th street and 2nd avenue, talking on my phone to a friend who'd moved away to become a SMBC (single mother by choice) in a place more affordable to raise children.

NYC has become strangely conducive to replicating. There are strollers and especially now, double strollers dodging commuters and joggers and shoppers on the sidewalk. I couldn't sit down at a bar during brunch last week while waiting for a table until a harried parent moved his twins' stroller out of the way. I clogged the aisle, with the stroller, we two entities locked in conflict.

City kids are different. I wasn't one. I am a city thirty-something.

Last night before dinner I spent a half hour in Blockbuster looking for some entertainment. The movie "Joe's Apartment" looked promising but then I remembered I used to stay at that exact apartment three years ago--the real apartment where it had been filmed--and thought, nah. I don't know which would be grosser: the roaches in the film or the memories of that relationship, which ended on Valentine's day after he gave me a purse. The gift had nothing to do with the breakup. We had a communication problem: we stopped calling each other.

A pocketbook. And it was damn funny, because I had dreamed in the first month we knew each other that an Uzi kept going off in my pocketbook. Israeli guy. Go figure. He presented me with a box and as I opened it he said, "baby, I wanted to get you a purse."

Oh the childish pranks.

As I am a friendly person who likes to engage others in amusing and merry jest, but couldn't go so far as to make anyone uncomfortable, I would like to invite you to execute all the pranks I've been tempted lately to pull yet have not.

Go to the gym and take a nice hot shower. Wait until someone flushes a toilet and yell "MOTHER FUCKER!"

Use your myspace account to befriend people with naked pictures. Just naked people. Put them in your top eight and leave them there.

Walk through the crowds on 42nd street and shout in agitation, "What is this, TIMES SQUARE????"

Approach strangers and ask them in your highest voice how to get to Sesame Street.
Post recipes on Epicurious for "Hot Buttered Ass."

Walk into a small bar (like Milano's) with a double stroller and leave it there.

Put five dollars worth of repeats of "Don't Stop Believing" on the jukebox and then run away. If they do not have "Don't Stop Believing" then "Brown Eyed Girl" is okay. If they don't have "Brown Eyed Girl," then "Heart of Glass" will do nicely. If they don't have that, anything by Rush will do.

Set up a lemonade stand on your street corner that sells "Sea Breezes." This should not get you arrested in New Orleans, but anywhere else it might.

I have done none of these things. Well, the Times Square one I did, but I don't think it really registered with anyone. Still, I marvel at my polite resistance to actually do anything else listed above.

Well, stay tuned for pranks, part two, as the missed opportunities continue to pass.

I doubt the dispatcher was listening, so here it is.

Hello! Hello dear! Yes! OK! Ledmegedyour bag dear! Here, get in dear. York Avenue goes two ways, yes dear?

So I look this morning at your name when I come to pick you up and I see it, Duvdevani! Is this an Indian name dear? Is your family from India? That is a veddyIndianzoundingname dear! Dev or Deva, that is like a big hearted god dear, a Deva is the god with big heart! Yes it is veddyGOODnamedear!

Oh they were Not Indian you say, because I look this morning and I see, oh such a good name! No? It was not Duvdevani before? You are married dear? Ah! Your grandfather changed it from a Polish name! He picked a veddygoodname!

I did not hear you! Can you please say to me the name again? Vischnya? OH! OH! Idizlike Vishnu! That also is veddy good, veddy veddy goodname!!! Vishnu! Also like a god!
You are going to Houston dear? Yes I have a cousin in Houston! He is an engineer! GOOD place, nice and hot! Yes I am from Bombay, it is hot! New York in the winter, I am used to it now. I have lived here with my wife and two sons for fifteen years now dear.

They are twelve and seven. GOOD STUDENTS. I also want to go to school. I wanted to go into engineering! Yes, someday. I was quite good at math when I was young!

What do you do dear? Are you a student? Oh, you work in an office. Do you like it? Yes, I do like the freedom of my job. I have been driving for fourteen years dear.

Continental? Ledmegedyoursudecasedear. OK! Thirty-three dollars with tolls. Oh, thank you dear!

Yes! Good luck to you too! Thank you, yes! Let us have a beeudyvul new year!!