Romantic? Or Realistic??

There are always people you love who you know you could never be in love with.

I think about this as my offer of friendship to another person I’ve had a few dates with is accepted. I think I’m becoming wiser in my old age… but I look back on my history and realize that I have kind of always known where to draw the line.

The easy, fun, silly rapport you can have with someone in a new, low-stakes situation is easy to maintain if you’ve got no intimacy invested. No ties, no strings, no worries or anxieties. No getting let down and no putting yourself too far out there. No cold flash of panic when you realize they are not going to live up to your hopes. Just a pleasant sense of mutual ego gratification with a shadow of attraction.

Often I’ve had the sense in my friendships with men that the ‘next level’ might be worth exploring. But some intuition or instinct stops me. It was never about ‘ruining the friendship’ or fear of intimacy. It was simply this: some people are MEANT to be friends and nothing more.

I have a very close male friend with whom I was on the edge of romance for years, years ago. Now it’s an entirely moot point; he found the Right One, which I knew I was not. It was a little confusing from time to time, but I always had the overall sense that we weren’t right for the Big Commitment. Why break through the barrier only to have to turn around? And risk not meeting the Right One because we were stuck in limbo together? It wasn’t a chance I was going to take. And things were nice already. We were simpatico, had shared many experiences and always spoke truthfully to each other. But we both, on some level, knew that It Wasn’t There. Now who can feel bad about that sort of honesty? Nobody, really.

Once you enter a dating situation you feel may not be right, you can see the person a few more times and let it dwindle out, you can attempt to push things forward with alcohol and sex, or you can just call it quits. Your choice.

There’s a small amount of satisfaction in the date and dwindle… you’re at least ‘going out’ with someone, even if neither of you is really ‘available.’ You feel kind of attractive, but those feelings can turn antagonistic or resentful once you start to feel as though the situation SHOULD be more passionate or interesting.

There’s a song that goes “I might like you better if we (beat) slept together (beat) I might like you better if we (beat) slept together.” It can be exciting to experiment with passion. But, as someone once said to me, ‘pick up a live grenade, don’t be surprised if it explodes in your face.’ You really don’t know what you’re getting into until it’s too late in these situations. If you don’t think all is right, it’s wise not to get physically involved. The trick of this is being willing to see the red flags…and not interpret them as a nice, colorful show! And caveat emptor, guys! Women get attached.

This month, I had been considering carrying on with someone who I know isn't right for me, nor me for him. Not entirely comfortable with the idea, I spoke with some friends, who gave me great insight. One friend told me what I might expect from a lover. “You won't see them all the time,” she said. “Just once a month maybe. I think it’s good to have lovers, people you’re attracted to but don’t want to have a relationship with. But I don’t know if you’re the kind of person who can deal with that.” Another close friend agreed. “Ya,” he said, “if you like the ride of carrying on with an unavailable person, and you can have your fun, and then deal with the baggage, then it’s a good idea. But I think you are more likely to get on the ride… and then in the middle, start crying that you want to get off.” A third friend concurred. “I don’t think you’re that kind of girl. You could try it, but I really think you’d get hurt.”

Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it turns out to be good self-protection. “This is me!” I announce. “There are no surprises here!” I don’t need to be mysterious and seductive… I just want to be real, to do what’s healthy and keep things in their proper places. For now, I will just continue to love and appreciate my friends and dream of meeting a person who can someday bring me more.